The more I allow myself to accept my short-comings, the less anxiety I am faced with.
When I created this blog, I was having a really good mental-health day. I felt creative and capable. Such days are uncommon. When they hit, I am overwhelmed with relief. I find myself being driven to spend the energy in the most productive way possible; to make moves on fantasies that I have entertained for many years.
Then the good days pass by.
What I’m left with is the foundation of a worthy fantasy. Yet, no fuel to make use of this vehicle that I have created.
I imagined that this blog would be the vehicle that I would be able to continue to drive. So I set in motion a Lenten Challenge that, now looking back, asked too much of my mental health. Now don’t get it twisted, I stand by the idea. I think the BenevoLENT challenge is brave, beautiful, and Christ-like. The overarching idea, to pursue simple acts of kindness, is an appropriate response to the Lenten season. Graphics aren’t essential. Hashtags are only words. We can be kind without advertising the need to do so. HOWEVER, movements are re-imagined when people are willing to encourage others to be involved. This willingness, unfortunately, must also be backed with on-going energy. An energy I don’t yet possess.
I’ll reassess my capabilities next year.
Right now, I understand that I CAN and SHOULD do creative writing, I CAN and SHOULD read scripture. I CAN and SHOULD be open with how important my faith is.
So I’ll carry on this blog with exactly these thoughts in mind.
My worth as a writer, and especially as a daughter-of-God, is not in my ability to attract internet attention.
I am assured that God would rather me spend my energy learning how to love myself more fully. Maybe if I can demonstrate this love-of-self, it will inspire others. Maybe that’ll be my internet legacy.